I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
