I think I died a long time ago.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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