I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
