I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
