you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
