Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
