did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
try to milk me bitch
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
