I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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