Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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