I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
