So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
