Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
