YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
