Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
