guys are not supposed to queef...right?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
