Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have aggressive nipples.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
