I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
