i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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