There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
