my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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