I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Shame - the story of my life.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
