All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
