If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
