My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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