Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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