it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
