Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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