he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
