PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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