I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
