My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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