I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
