my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
