He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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