Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
