I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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