FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
