Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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