I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
