She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
