Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
