im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
