At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
