that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
