nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
