tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head