So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
my poor anus
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
