I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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