why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
