Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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