so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
