I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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