I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
