i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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