I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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